Survival of the...

Boot Camps really aren't a joke. Once again, I got this nervous feeling on the way there. I got completely winded doing a "warm-up" last class so I had this sneaky little plan to get there a few minutes late, so I could save some of my "wind" for the first circuit set. Maybe it'd stave off the urge to puke. It turned out, our trainer was also running a few minutes late, so my evil little plan was not going to work.  The warm-up wasn't too bad. I was gasping for air after taking a lap, but strangely, it felt great. We come back in to stretch it out a little, then Tara points out the dry erase boards to me. Every single circuit included some sort of squats. Seriously? I just got the feeling back in my buns and my thighs finally stopped being tense! Here we go again!



Every circuit felt like some sort of military punishment. Step up on a box with a squat alternating between step up on a box and squat followed by a side kick. We did reps of 45 alternating between each exercise and side 4 times a piece in EACH circuit. Really? I am already regretting coming to class. After this circuit, we do Burpees, Jacks, Crunches...a few other things that my body completely disagreed with. I will say I do know what Burpees are Burpees. Who would come up with such a exercise? Apparently, someone who is easily entertained by bodily functions.






Next circuit, what I called the "tricep busters". The infamous wall of ropes with jump squats while simultaneously tossing these ropes alternating with some weird plank and touching your opposite toe to your OPPOSITE hand. My limbs kept getting confused. I was pretty sure I'd somehow kick myself in the face. My sweaty palms kept sliding away from me and my feet were trying to figure out why they kept getting so close to my boobs. Do I look like some sort of acrobat? I figure, if I could rip this one out, I should find out about getting into Cirque de Soleil. Can't be that tough, right? At least I don't feel like throwing up. The rope tossing finally slowed my noodle-arms down and I was already breathing heavy contemplating my escape to Starbucks next door.

We move on to the strange rope/chain things hanging out of the wall. I really need to learn the names of these things. We are instructed to do one-legged squats (yes, I laughed a deep belly Santa laugh) alternating between reverse crunches. I sit back into my one-legged squat on my stronger leg. First one felt like I was preparing myself for my "buttock-tical" demise. How does one's butt catch on fire without some sort of weird STD or sexual promiscuity? I was flash-backing to my very first squat to pee while camping. It's 1996 on a camping trip with my family. I am in a state of panic because there are no toilets around, but plenty of space to squat. I bring my sister for moral support. I finally take the trek into the woods, squat down to pee, and bam! I fall directly on top of a hill of FIRE ANTS. While my sister is laughing hysterically, I am running in circles, smacking my butt while peeing all over myself in my state of shock and panic. That was quite a scene. My sister still laughs about my fire ant pee/butt covered in ant bites for weeks incident. Yeesh! I finally modify myself to do deep squats. I didn't want to look like a wimp, so I was pulling out what I could. Then reverse crunches. Not too shabby. The at home pilates is paying off.

Next station was just ridiculous. My uncoordinated body was really in for a surprise. Our first set we held a wheel while pushing forward (wheeled-push-ups?) then back towards our bodies, then out to the left, and finally to the right repeating this for 45 seconds. Okay, now this was laughable. I'm already trying to figure out which dentist will be replacing both of my front teeth. My wrists were shaking and I was so afraid I'd end up planting my face into the ground. What's my obsession with face plants, anyway? I began to joke with Tara about whether or not these little "doo-dads" had a weight limit. Seriously. Every time I pushed forward, the wheel wanted to stop dead in its tracks as if it had a mind of its own. I am still very surprised I still have all of my teeth. Our alternating rep for this set was even worse. We had to swing a medicine ball around in circular motion while lunging on one leg and sliding the other foot around in full circular motion. Sounds simple, right? WRONG! The opposite foot was on a plate. I thought I'd end up doing involuntary splits, falling over and cracking my pelvic region. It was near impossible to stay coordinated, but by gosh I tried. I probably didn't push this rep out as much as I needed to, but hey. I need these legs to walk on and these teeth to not look like some sort of red-neck living in a town where the water is secretly robbing my teeth right out of my mouth.


I hear the words of an angel....LAST CIRCUIT!! I could've jumped up and smacked my heels together. Well, if we are being completely honest about my jumping abilities, it'd be more of a lay down on the floor and clap my heels sort of thing. More butt busters followed by crunches on a Bosu ball (I learned the name of a contraption!). We pulled resistance bands over our shoulders as if we were wearing some hideous Urkel gear and squatted low then stepped up and squatted on that weird springy platform thing. I was waiting for the band to snap. Haha. Imagine that. It looked as if we had full body retainers. The crunches on the Bosu bad was more like a nice little stretch for my back and abdominal muscles and a time to catch my breath. Whew! We finally complete it. I only had to throw up twice this time and my legs didn't buckle on me. I was feeling quite accomplished. We follow everything with a cool-down stretch and a few breathing exercises. I made it!!!! I left with sore muscles and a right butt cheek ache. Someone grab me a beer! Just kidding. ;)