Today was the start of boot camp. The whole way there, I tried to think up a million excuses as to why I could not make it. Maybe a brand new onset case of narcolepsy so when I entered moments of agony, I could pretend sleep for however long I needed to recuperate and energetically hop back in as if I had been woken up out of this long and unaware hibernation. We go to Walmart to buy Tara's weights and yoga mat and off we go to see the weight loss wizard.
We walk into what looked like a daunting place in my mind. Random ropes hooked to walls, bungee cords that must be here for the toddlers to play on, weights, weird round platforms on springy things, and semi-exercise balls. Did they reduce these to lay on the ground to save money? Who knows. We meet our pack leader and are surprised with the ultimate embarrassing request. "Okay, take off your shoes and socks so I can get your weight and fat percentage and then we will do your measurements." I will go ahead and leave out the details of the results. As if divulging this information to a complete stranger was not enough, fellow "camp members" start filing in wearing their half tops and "skinny shorts" while my numbers are being yelled out to be recorded. Bummer! Trembling with anxiety and fear, I neglect to tell our pack leader of my past knee problems, torn meniscus and ACL. I was entirely too caught up in studying the shocking contraptions thinking up each disastrous moment to happen in each circuit.
Here I am grabbing my unflattering capri, hug-your-legs-as-tight-as-you-can attire trying not to be embarrassed of being the heaviest one in the class. She explains we will be doing speed repetition circuits. Each circuit we did 20 seconds of each exercise with 10 seconds of rest repeatedly until reaching 4 minutes and then switching circuits.
We start with squats, lunges, and jumping jacks to warm up. "I can do this. Easy enough." Then we are asked to take a lap. I am not the last one in, so I was feeling pretty good. Then we start the circuit with what I'd like to call the "impossible mini mountain jump." You start on the floor, high jump onto a platform and jump back off....backwards. Anyone who knows me can attest to my clumsiness. First of all, I am 2&# lbs. At 170 lbs., I couldn't even jump more than 2 inches off the ground, so this platform was really scary. I don't think I could even hop a centimeter off the ground! My first try, I missed the whole platform, slid a little bit and am pretty sure I somehow jumped on my own ankle. Embarrassing! I modify myself to speed step ups, which equally hurt. My legs haven't had this much action....ever. It was only the beginning.
We move on to the springy platform where you had to use your core to balance yourself while doing bicep curls with resistance bands. I'm thinking, "Weight training, this is easy." and request a tougher resistance level. I wonder if she saw me gritting my teeth halfway through. Not the brightest idea to try to go big on my first day. Next, there was a circuit where the wall puked up these large, heavy ropes. We grab the ropes and while doing a jumping jack squat, we circle the big ropes in, then out. At this point I'm trying to figure out how to get rid of this queasy feeling. "Don't puke. Don't puke!" Next circuit, DEEP squat jumps while holding onto bungee cords stretched out from the ceiling. At one point I heard my legs scream, "Damn YOU! Still fight the urge to puke. You can do it!" My legs are trembling and I am a giant sweat pool. I grab some water but realize it was sort of a bad idea. Now I want to puke up water, my innards and brain. I think this would be a good time for my narcolepsy to kick in. Please let this be over soon. We head over to the medicine balls to do "rainbow throws". For some reason it reminded me of Leonardo da Vinci's painting, "
The Vitruvian Man". The movements were so swift and circular that my "back air-hole" decides to release its inhibitions. At least it was a silent fiasco. We take a 2 minute break. At first I was over-joyed because I thought we were through. Way to pre-celebrate! This certainly was not the case. We were only half-way through. "Oh goodness! Someone give me a cookie and get me out of here!"
Next circuit was "Speed Side-Way Mountain Climb". Holy Cannoli! At this point my knees are really feeling it. I am slowing down and seeing double. I'm pretty sure I am going to miss the platform any second now and create a domino effect with anyone near me. We move on to the weird springy balance board to do squat rows. My triceps pretty much go numb at this point and I am thinking of the bottle of muscle relaxers sitting at home on the stove. I fight back the vomit surfacing in my throat and am just about ready to quit. That's the good thing about being in a group. You are to embarrassed to quit.
We move on to outer and inner round house squat kicks. I finally feel the fluid collection around my knee and wave the leader down for a modification. Even the modification hurt! My hips and inner thighs are on fire right now. It was the easiest to push through so I keep a fit image of myself in my mind. We move to what I could only call the "spider monkey fell on a cactus family surprise squat jump". It was sort of like a wild form of jumping jacks coupled with turning the floor into a trampoline and squatting. This CAN'T be good for your ankles! I give it a whirl which was a time of laughter at my expense. I looked like I hippo trying to join the cheer squad.
Finally, we hit the last circuit...weighted plank rows. I'm imagining my downward dog face plant once again hoping my weenie arms don't give up on me. I could have drowned in the amount of sweat dripping from my forehead. In my mind I'm thinking I will never do this again. I push it to the end. I took a few breaks in between repetitions, but I made it. SUCCESS! My whole body is aching and confused. Shoot, even I felt a little disoriented. Surprisingly, I am thirsty for more embarrassing moments. The leader asked what we thought of class. I was honest and told her I was afraid to come because I thought it'd be intimidating. She said I did good and at least I didn't give up or puke. I didn't tell her I almost did a few times. All in all, I'd say it was like an Insanity video. The atmosphere was positive and encouraging. I worked so hard that it was not a problem talking myself into trying to eat healthfully, so this torture would not be a waste. Frosted Donuts are looking like chocolate covered turds right about now. I will be back tomorrow. Now children, the moral of the story is... Take some Gas X before you go to a boot camp that forces you to contort your body in "expelling" positions. Until next time...
Here I am grabbing my unflattering capri, hug-your-legs-as-tight-as-you-can attire trying not to be embarrassed of being the heaviest one in the class. She explains we will be doing speed repetition circuits. Each circuit we did 20 seconds of each exercise with 10 seconds of rest repeatedly until reaching 4 minutes and then switching circuits.
We move on to the springy platform where you had to use your core to balance yourself while doing bicep curls with resistance bands. I'm thinking, "Weight training, this is easy." and request a tougher resistance level. I wonder if she saw me gritting my teeth halfway through. Not the brightest idea to try to go big on my first day. Next, there was a circuit where the wall puked up these large, heavy ropes. We grab the ropes and while doing a jumping jack squat, we circle the big ropes in, then out. At this point I'm trying to figure out how to get rid of this queasy feeling. "Don't puke. Don't puke!" Next circuit, DEEP squat jumps while holding onto bungee cords stretched out from the ceiling. At one point I heard my legs scream, "Damn YOU! Still fight the urge to puke. You can do it!" My legs are trembling and I am a giant sweat pool. I grab some water but realize it was sort of a bad idea. Now I want to puke up water, my innards and brain. I think this would be a good time for my narcolepsy to kick in. Please let this be over soon. We head over to the medicine balls to do "rainbow throws". For some reason it reminded me of Leonardo da Vinci's painting, "The Vitruvian Man". The movements were so swift and circular that my "back air-hole" decides to release its inhibitions. At least it was a silent fiasco. We take a 2 minute break. At first I was over-joyed because I thought we were through. Way to pre-celebrate! This certainly was not the case. We were only half-way through. "Oh goodness! Someone give me a cookie and get me out of here!"
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