After viewing an obscene amount of Forensic Files, CSI, and The Bone Collector, I think I have finally figured out the necessary steps one would need to follow to commit the perfect crime. The steps will have to be followed in exactly this order for you to pull off a forensically undetectable crime. (If one of you nitwits is simple enough to take what I am about to write and try to commit any sort of crime from shoplifting to murder, then you deserve to go to prison, for a long, long time.)
Purchase all necessary equipment from different types of stores in different regions of the country over the course of 3 to 4 months or longer.
This will make the seemingly unrelated items less conspicuous, and virtually untraceable. I said the perfect crime not the easiest or cheapest crime.
Purchase shoes that are two to three sizes too large.
Forensics can determine where the weight was distributed even if you wear shoes that are too large, so you will need to create a weight distribution mechanism within the shoe, that will alleviate that problem.
Shave off all of your hair.I mean EVERY. SINGLE. STRAND. You need to rid yourself of the hair on your head, facial hair, eyebrows, eyelashes, nose hairs, back hair, pubic hair, knuckle hair, arm hair, leg hair, chest hair, stomach hair, ear hair, and toe hair. You will need to shave it and dispose of it. The best way to do this is go to your barber shop and drop the hair on the ground in moderation, and allow the barber to sweep up the mess without becoming suspicious.
Exfoliate your skin.
First you must bleach your bathtub, so that all old skin that may be hiding in the tub has been removed. Once this has been done you will exfoliate in your own tub, so that your dead skin is not found in someone else's tub. Once you exfoliate, you will need to pay careful attention to your feet. Remove any dead skin that may have fallen on your feet.
Clip your fingernails.
Clip them slightly shorter than normal so that there is no chance to pick up anything between the nail and the skin.
Wear clothes that are not easily torn or pick up carpet fibers.
After much research ( see: absolutely no evidence of what I am about to say is true) I have found that a wetsuit would be the best option. The neoprene/spandex hybrid is good in hot or cold weather because of the insulation. And because they are form fitting you can wear them under other clothes until the most opportune time to commit the crime. Of course a face covering and gloves are quintessential to any crime. You don't want to be recognized so a mask that completely covers your face coupled with a rebreather are a must. The rebreather will protect against any traces of possible saliva being found at the scene. A well fitted mask similar to the vampire ninjas from Blade II, will prevent any sweat being left at the scene. Football receiver gloves will adequately cover the hands and still provide a wide range of movement if and when needed.
The crime will need to be a serial crime.
You cannot know the victim otherwise, it can be traced back to you. You can also have no motive. It needs to appear to be completely random.
And there you have it. If you follow these steps precisely, upon finding the most opportune time to commit the crime, you should get away scot-free. That is of course unless the cops go out looking for a hairless, exfoliated surfer ninja with clown shoes, receiving gloves, short finger nails and a breathing machine. In which case you, as well as Charlie Villanueve are in trouble.
CSI/CIA/FBI please don't come looking for me. It's all jokes!! LOL
