Flashback: The year is 1988. You are on the floor watching ThunderCats in your pajamas with the feet attached. You are lying on your stomach with your head resting on your hands, with your feet alternately kicking and crossing behind you. In front of you is a half eaten bowl of Cocoa Puffs that is now too soggy to be discernable. Your attention is solely on the television. An almost black, almond shaped, moving organism crawls across the burnt orange shag carpet and catches your peripheral. You look down, and a roach is crawling directly toward you. Fear moves you from your once stationary location to a full standing position, and though you realize you outweigh this insectuous (yes I made that word up) foe, he has effectively claimed his territory, punked you, and turns to crawl away.
Fast Forward to the present. When did these so-called "insects" gain the ability to fly? If the above scenario was to occur today, instead of turning to crawl away, the roach would now take flight towards the victim. This new form of intimidation has reached record highs. No one knows exactly what would happen if the roach ever met it's target, because the victims always escape the room, followed by high shrills and the type of cursing that ensues your mom walking barefoot through the kitchen after you spilled sugar on the floor and didn't completely clean the mess.
Have you ever been to someone's house that had roaches and had to act like you didn't see them? Your arm would be across the back of the couch and a roach would crawl down the wall and you had to discreetly slide your arm into your lap as to not embarrass your friend. What about that time you were all watching TV, and everyone was completely quiet watching a movie in the dark, and a small baby roach crawled across the screen? Didn't the air in the room get really thick because everyone wanted to act like it didn't really happen? (if you have never been to someone else's house that had roaches, then YOUR house was the one with roaches.) Or if someone was actually brave enough to call the host on their "insect problem" the response was always, "We've never had a roach problem here. You brought those with you."
Why do the 2000s versions of insects have such a vendetta? First the Fighter Pilot Roaches then the Suicide Bombers. I believe everyone more commonly refers to them as crickets. I was walking through the parking lot at work a few nights ago and there were 897987897456445 crickets hopping about. I tried my best to make the trek through the parking lot without stepping on any of these high jumpers. As I tiptoed from spot to spot the openings on the pavement were becoming scarce. I stepped on a cluster of crickets and heard five to six crunches. The other crickets heard this too and the once "almost" calm crickets began nose-diving into my bare legs. It felt as if a pitcher was throwing pennies at me. These little kamikazes actually hurt when they hit you. The cricket's cousins are really no better. The Photosynthesis Ninjas, I like to call them, or grasshoppers, don't like humans much either. They generally attack when you mow the yard. As you walk slowly behind the lawnmower and try your best to not pass out in the heat, these little grass dwellers lie dormant waiting on the most opportune time to strike. Once you move into range they leap from their spots, and cling to your shirt. No matter how many times you try to swat them away or off your shirt they never release their grip. You have to physically grab them and throw them back into the grass. I don't care how tough you think you are. When a grasshopper jumps on your shirt, you start flailing around like a new born baby in the deep end of a swimming pool. I think they are all six-legged Taliban soldiers sent here to destroy Americans but I have no proof of that, so I wouldn't go rush out and call CNN just yet if I were you. Freaking terrorists......
